[lot's wife]

They say I looked back out of curiosity,
but I could have had other reasons.
I looked back mourning my silver bowl.
Carelessly, while tying my sandal strap.
So I wouldn't have to keep staring at the righteous nape
of my husband Lot's neck.
Wislawa Szymborska, Lot's Wife

I read a poem about Lot's wife, counting all the reasons she might have been innocent and looking back from natural sorrow or by accident. "I looked back in desolation. In shame because we had stolen away. Wanting to cry out, to go home. Or only when a sudden gust of wind unbound my hair and lifted up my robe." It's a little angry at God for His lack of mercy. "Checking for pursuers. Struck my silence, hoping God had changed his mind."

The story has always set me on edge, imagining the vivid horror of her fate, twisting from flesh to salt, humanity dropping from her, wrung from her bones in the place where she stood. I used to sympathize with her, blaming Lot, angry with him for his greedy eying of the fertile valley of Sodom, for dragging his family into the situation at all. He led his family astray, didn't he? She only followed him. It was his fault that his wife was climbing a path from this place, that she had ever lived there, that she could even miss it. Wouldn't any woman look back at the place she once lived, sorrowful at the destruction of her home?

But the angels of God did not have to listen to Abraham's plea and warn Lot, calling him out of the city. Lot and his family had learned the ways of the wicked city and lived comfortably there. If the angels had spoken to Lot only, then his wife might have a case. He had mislead her before, perhaps, and she was tired of following him. People cannot be your sole direction, after all, because people fail. If you let man be the voice of God for you without seeking Him yourself, when man fails you want to blame God.

But the angels took hold of Lot and his wife and his daughters. They spoke to all of them and their words were exact, "Flee for your lives! Don't look back, and don't stop anywhere in the plain! Flee to the mountains or you will be swept away" (Genesis 19:17, NAS) They spoke to Lot's wife just as directly as they spoke to Lot.

When I return to the actual story, in its entirety, I find more mercy than wrath. No one knows why she looked back. Everyone knows what happened. She held the command of the Lord, the only thing that could preserve her life. She had it directly from His messengers and she could feel the heat at her back.

There is sometimes a struggle to take hold of truth, a struggle to discern the direction that God desires, but when the Word comes you must abandon your old city, you must take to the hills, you must chase your calling with fury, and you must not look back. You may hear the voices of others, see scorn on their faces, you may want to turn around, defend yourself or change your actions to please them. "It seemed to me they were watching from the walls of Sodom," says Lot's wife in the poem, "and bursting into thunderous laughter again and again." But even while they may mock you, they cannot run to the hills for you. Other people cannot save you.

This is not to say that the life of faith is lived alone, that following God means isolation and denial of community. There are times when God will speak through the voice of a friend. But there are other times when you must forsake the wisdom of others, forsake the places they have failed you. The voice of God must be sought above the voices of others.

When people fail, you must recognize that He is holy beyond their mistakes. His call must be the foremost in your mind. Christ calls, and asks you to follow without regret. "No one," he says, "after putting his hand to the plow and looking back is fit for the kingdom of God" (Luke 9:23). Following Christ in light of His worth is the struggle of which Paul speaks, "Forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead. I press on towards the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ" (Philippians 3:13).

Lot's wife heard the call of the angels, felt their pull, their pulse of urgency. She knew what was coming. She could not blame Lot or anyone else, even if she wanted to. It is with regret that I read the story, with sadness for her, and also for myself, because I know that I do hesitate and doubt. I doubt the severity of His call; I listen to mocking voices; I don't always follow with the abandon that I should. So I read the story even more impressed with the depth of a mercy that seeks me out even in my faithlessness, seizes me by the wrists, tearing me from my apathy and burning down my cities of idolatry.

Salvation is not contingent upon the words of others; God is only responsible for His own deeds. You cannot escape circumstances, but you can grasp the truth that lies outside of them. Truth is the word and call of Christ, the person of Christ, who bids you to forsake all the things that bound you once and not linger upon them, who bids you to journey past the walls of your falling city and into the mountains of faith.

written by: hannah clarkin
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